As I was sitting in my car, listening to the end of the episode, it came to mind that if you guys ever decide to start back up, or someone else comes along and copies the format, there is only one name for that podcast: Filmjitsu 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Off to watch Glen or Glenda for the 10th time…

You guys are now the 7th podcast I listen to that has closed up shop in the past few weeks, I keep feeling like all my friends are dying around me.

Ok, maybe that was a bit much. Maybe I just feel like I forgot to put on deodorant, and everyone is running away from me.

All that being said…Trash Humpers…wow. Looking forward to hearing this one.

Thanks for the laughs, and the bad movies.

Thanks for all the laughs and all the great recommendations. Filmjitsu, you will be missed!

Here are a few more bad soldiers for you:

1. The guy in Saving Private Ryan that gets shot in the helmet, takes it off to admire the fact that it saved his life, and then gets another bullet right in the forehead…killing him.

2. Dennis Quaid as Gallo / Payton in Pandorum. He kill his supervisors. He kills another guy then assumes his identity. He plays God with the rest of the survivors on board, creating a devolved race of mutant human cannibals. Finally, he thinks they are still in space, when in actuality their ship had crashed 800 years earlier and was deep underwater.

3. Vicent D’Onofrio at Pvt. Leonard Lawrence aka Pvt. Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. Poor Gunnery Sergeant Hartman did everything in his power to turn this guy into the ultimate killing machine, and what does he do? Only gets two kills…Hartman, and himself.

4. Jon Cryer as Washout Pfaffenbeck in Hot Shots – Thanks to his walleye-vision, he is relegated to radar duty…where he mistakes his own snot for enemy aircraft after sneezing on the radar screen.

5. Martin Mull as Colonel Mustard in Clue: The Movie – How could somebody this bumbling get to the rank of Colonel?

As far as bad hairdos go…I understand you were leaving off hair “of their time”, but I submit that Brian Bosworth in “Stone Cold” and Vanilla Ice in “Cool As Ice” go beyond simply being of their era. Those would be my #1 & 2.

#3, probably would be Brad Pitt’s uber-pompadour in Johnny Suede.

#4 world probably be Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas in “Dumb and Dumber” maybe just because I had the same haircut when I was 7.

I’m surprised none of Queen Amidala’s “odes to tv antennae of the past” made the list. Her hair is #5.

By the way, this was my “Nicolas Cage in Con Air mega-mullet” memorial list…or just Nic Cage’s hair in general…what a mess.

Keep on rocking guys. Love the show.

I saw 3 movies in the theater in the last month, but before that it had been 14 months since I had gone to one. And the movie theaters are doing very little to convince to spend more than the cost of my Netflix subscription to see one. Oh, and for the record, my tv at home has 55″ of crystal-clear digital projection. And beer. And I can pause it when I inevitably have to pee from the aforementioned beer. Just sayin’.

No, I’m not saying he’s a hack, but I will NOT watch any more of his films. Ever.

Wait a second — did you just say “fuck your couch?!?” Mike, how do I love thee?

Good call with the Trainspotting baby. So creepy. I never saw The Fly, but I remember the little jingle from the trailer — “Hush little baby don’t you cry, just because your dad was The Fly.”

I know the movie isn’t out yet, but I am adding the half-vampire baby Renesmee (worst name ever) from Twilight: Breaking Dawn to the Bottom 5 babies list. Trust me on this one. I have NO idea how they’re going to handle that birth in the movies. Shudders…

I saw Caligula about 15 years ago… I only remember 2 scenes — the opening scene with his sister and the wedding scene. No idea which version I saw. I remember at the time wondering what so many good actors were doing in such a bad movie…

I could not believe that nobody had mentioned Frank Booth in “Blue Velvet,” so thanks for the last-minute save there, Merrigunz. He was the very first character that came to mind for me when I heard this category.

I really like “Soapdish,” too, and not just because I love Robert Downey Jr and Kevin Kline oh so much (although I do). I watched it about a year ago on Netflix instant, and I thought it was quite clever.

I guess I’m the one person that finished it, eh?

Also, nobody is cooler than Ron Perlman. I’d totally watch Viggo & Perlman hunting some witches.

I have one bottom 5 baby I would like to add. I may have tweeted this to you a while ago, but don’t recall… but I vote for the baby, Grace, from the horror movie “Grace”.

Description from imdb…

After losing her unborn child, Madeline Matheson insists on carrying the baby to term. Following the delivery, the child miraculously returns to life with an appetite for human blood. Madeline is faced with a mother’s ultimate decision.

Movie has some good unsettling moments, and is worth it for the final shot. So I’ll add the baby from “Grace” to the bottom 5 discussion.

It is a rather interesting what if scenario with Sam Jackson plays the rich elite black man and John Travolta plays the poor white trash person barely making ends meet in the ghetto.

John, you’ll be fine and I’m sure you will find a replacement that will work out. I’m in the Rider Strong camp, I hope that can be made a reality.

Best of Luck

I also considered the sex scene from BloodRayne. Least. Sexy. Sex. Ever.

Exit Through the Gift Shop is excellent! +1 for you.

I have to agree with the “Showgirls Tribute List” — my first thought was Kyle MacLachlan & Elizabeth Berkeley in the pool. Gah. My second thought was the “Ghost” scene.

Great pick with “High Fidelity,” such a fantastic film. My related staff pick is “Ed Wood.” Yes, yes, I love Johnny Depp like Carmichael loves the X-Men movies, but this is a damn good film about a terrible filmmaker.

I don’t know if you guys are just too straight or something, but that was a pretty crap bottom 5. Monty Python? Are you kidding? They were fantastic. Yes, they didn’t look like women, but I think judging the “goodness” of drag by how much a character can pass is somewhat missing the point.

Anyway… I couldn’t agree more with John’s pick of “Some Like It Hot.” It’s a marvelous film. My staff pick for this episode is “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.” It’s a musical all about the nature of gender and love and the power of rock-and-roll. Unbeatable.

But also I thought that the point was to come up with the WORST movies possible, and honestly, I can come up with nothing worse… Plus, I knew it would get Merrigunz riled up, and I always enjoy hearing that.

My staff pick for this week is “Exit Through the Gift Shop” by Banksy. It’s available on Netflix Streaming — check it out!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a5Mvw0j1rY

TOP THAT!
Mara

Bring on THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!!
You know you wanna watch it. I think you’re both going to hate me now…

I hope you had a wonderful break. Keep up the good work!

John, it must be said… You are disgraceful in Matinee Death Match. Just disgraceful.

xo

Not a horror movie, but I thought that the Joker’s “pencil disappearing” kill in The Dark Knight was pretty excellent. I really wasn’t expecting it — such a great combo of gross and funny.

Know what’s even better? Just the other night I had a dream that Mark Harmon won an Oscar for his portrayal of Mr. Shoop. I promise I’m not making this up.

Make that 4 for Gore,
Mara

As for “so bad it’s good…” I highly recommend listening to Act One of the This American Life episode called “Fiasco” http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/61/fiasco

My favorite bad movie has to be “Barbarella Queen of the Galaxy.” It is so bad. And I love it soooo much. I love it so much that back in 1994, I ran the audio out from my VCR to my stereo and recorded the entire movie to cassette tape, and I listened to it in my car. Constantly. It sort of drove my friends nuts. I know it’s not a horror movie, but I don’t really watch horror movies…

MERRIGUNZ — Angus Scrimm? May that be a little hint to your email address?

JOHN — Summer School! I love me some Chainsaw. And the scene with the substitute teacher? Pure gold. It is fucking awful, but damn do I love that movie, too.

NILBOG is GOBLIN spelled backwards, bitches.

As far as your question, “What makes a movie so bad it’s good?” that’s a topic I think about a lot. For me, any so-bad-it’s-good movie has this undeniable quality: charm. Vague word, I realize, but that’s the best way I can sum it up. A by-the-numbers rom-com or Roland Emmerich movie has all the glitz and big stars that its huge budget allows. They’re so bad they’re bad: the epitome of a soulless Hollywood “paycheck” movie. Something like Troll 2 is akin to bad community theater put on film: a no-budget movie cast with actual *people* – truly just normal folks – who are clearly excited to be in a movie… pathetic turd of a movie though it may be. There’s some heart in it, and maybe we see our own average selves reflected somewhat. Even though we’d like to think we’re the 2nd coming of George Clooney, a screen test might show we’re all a bit closer to the George Hardy end of the spectrum. Who knows?

Pissing on hospitality,
Mara

Glad you had fun, I’m thinking perhaps another holiday themed episode around Christmas?

Keep up the good work. We’ll keep doing whatever it is we do.

-dan (not bob)

Used to love going there (movies were like $3) until my school bought the theater and turned it into lecture space. Worst day ever.

Also, do you remember that terrible wet carpet smell? Memories…

I went to school in Orlando and actually was in the same class as the guy who composed the one piece of music in that movie. The whole thing was post produced at the University of Central Florida and when I lived there, they test screened it for free at this art house called The Enzian. A friend of mine said they were testing out some flick there, it was free and it had something to do with witches so with nothing better to do, my wife, Nise, and I went out to the show with no expectations. We suffered through it, did not care for it at all and at the end during the thunderous standing ovation that it received, we snuck out and I bitched for the rest of the night about how the whole thing was a giant rip off of Cannibal Holocaust while Nise rolled her eyes.

A year later, we’re back up here living in New Hampshire and the hype train started. We start to hear all this talk about how mobs of teens in black and fishnet are wandering around the woods in Maryland looking for the missing filmmakers. There are people on the internet outraged that Hollywood would exploit the tragedy of these missing people for profit and I wondered 2 things. 1 – Wasn’t that that shitty Cannibal Holocaust ripoff we saw in Florida? and 2 – Are these fucking people stupid???

I understand why it was so successful, the theatrical movie going audience hadn’t really ever seen it before but it still bores me to tears. We went back to see it with some friends to maybe see if we had missed something the first time and while our friends were hiding under their seats the whole thing, viewing number 2 confirmed our suspicions that we’d been had a second time, this time to the tune of $9 a person and an additional $15 for concessions.

I also loves me some “School of Rock.”
Mister Schneble is hung-over. Do you know what that means?
It means you’re an alcoholic.
No, it means I have a headache. And the runs.
Fabulous stuff.

I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I have only seen 4 full Stallone movies — Rockies I, II, III and IV — and parts of 2 others — Cliffhanger and Over the Top. Of these, I think my pick would be Rocky III, and I pity the fool who doesn’t agree with me. Unless you picked Rocky IV, then I will crush you. Just sayin’.

He should go back to playing an out of tune violin, if you asked me. POINDEXTER REFERENCE.

It goes without saying that I’m also a huge “School of Rock” fan, so I’m glad that got a mention this week. Great pick, John!

As far as I’m concerned, the best Stallone movie has to be “Rocky III,” with an honorable mention – of course – to First Blood (parts I and II) and DEATH RACE 2000.

The Special Man Friend casts his vote for “Cobra.” Cutting your pizza with scissors? Only Sly would think of that.

I spent the majority of the movie distracted by his puffy face, distinct lack of wrinkles around his eyes, and “Woolly Willy” magna-doodle facial hair. What the SHEEZEY???

Another movie currently in theaters that, on a personal level, I’m really psyched on is “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.” I was totally prepared to hate it, but I should have known better than to doubt Edgar Wright. Super-enjoyable- I actually saw it twice!

Stellar episode, dudes. Really wish I was up North to catch Piranha 3D with you. Looking forward to your review!

PS: Glad to have “Matinee Death Match” back. Probably the best installment yet.

“Gary Oldman” + “bad guy” = awesome
Truer words were never spoken.

Good call on the kids in “Four Rooms,” John. Really great pick. Poor Tim Roth, indeed. I love the shot of the kid smoking and watching porn, and this is definitely the best of the 4 set pieces.

Don’t fuck with the babysitter.
Looking forward to next week’s episode!

The rape scene was just sad and terrible. I don’t think it should have been included at all.

We watched “Escape from Sobibor” in my 7th grade History class. I have never, ever forgotten it. I remember Alan Arkin & Rutger Hauer both being amazing, and I was completely riveted by the story. Great pick, John, and a wonderful example of a film that moved me without crushing me!

The rape scene was completely odd, and definitely uncalled for. The only thing I can come up with is that it was supposed to show us that the rich and powerful people built by our celebrity obsessions are horrible, horrible people — that when you have the money and the power to have anything you want, that the only thrill you can get is to hurt and destroy… So he goes as far as to rape to a woman who would have happily, willingly slept with him.

I think it also was supposed to show that the glitzy Vegas world thrives on destruction. They show the roommate as the one nice person in the movie, and then once she enters their seamy world, she is destroyed.

So this is what I think it was *supposed* to show, but I think all it does is sicken and shock.

I agree with you, Mike, that it was boring. It was beyond boring, honestly. I loved “Starship Troopers,” and I have tried to bring some sort of satirical bent or something redeeming to it, but I am also coming up empty.

PS: You ate puppy chow, too?

And laughed.

And laughed.

And, just in case you’re feeling slighted Mr. Mike, I just wanted you to know that “I’m Jason Voorhees and Windows 7 was my idea” made me nearly spit-take my beer. NEARLY, because you know I would never let beer go to waste.

Keep it up, dudes!!!
Mara

I’m still in shock over how much this movie brought in!

First, Helen Mirren in “The Queen” (2006) is only a period piece if you consider 1997 to be a period. Mirren is playing Queen Elizabeth II, the *current* queen of England, coping with the aftermath of Princess Diana’s death, an event that even your young ass should remember. Great movie, but not what I’d call a period piece.

Secondly, no. John does not fail in his bottom 5. YOU DO. A gold digger, by definition, is a person who marries for material/financial gain. Veruca Salt is definitely worthy of a place of honor on the Bottom 5 Spoiled Brats list, but she was born into money instead of marrying into it.

Okay, John, it’s your turn. There *is*, in fact, something bad you can say about “Jaws.” And that very bad thing is Rob Schneider. Epic fail indeed.

I can’t believe Rider has become a feature of the show. He is intelligent and knows the business. I enjoy the actor’s perspective he adds. I really wish he had nailed Topanga!

Cheers
paulo

That’s great that its the second most downloaded episode, Rider has a big fanbase.

Yeah Anne Rice writes some craziness but she hated all the movies and said they “mutilated” her work. There is a story of her losing her shit in a pre-production meeting when they cast Tom Cruise as Lestat in Interview. According to lore she went on a tirade about Cruise looking nothing like Lestat, stood up and flashed everyone her tattoo of Lestat. Apparently it isn’t in an X rated location but it is in one that people tend not to expose during business meetings. I tell people to skip the movies and in fact skip the books. Though I did enjoy her son’s first book.

Fuck Twilight and fuck New Moon.

I have not seen Dracula3000 but from what I’ve heard of it I have no doubt it would have made my list if I had. Sounds like complete crap.

Yeah I botched the title but maybe dragons would have made it better. Though dragons are about 50/50 in movies. Maybe less. Love Ray Liotta but fuck that movie.

Yes, Queen of the Damned is shit. But so is Interview with the Vampire.
And, for the record, Lestat is a rock star in Queen of the Damned book, so Anne Rice needs to get at least some of the blame for this. Just sayin’.

New Moon is even worse than Twilight. Yes, I have seen them both. Why? Because they are the pure comedy. The “mope montage” in New Moon was especially fantastic.

But unquestionably the worst vampire movie I have ever seen is DRACULA3000. Seriously, one of you should assign this to the other one. I have never seen its like. Casper VanDien AND Coolio. Brilliance.

John, dude. It’s “In the Name of the King: A DUNGEON Siege Tale.” Yeah, it’s fucking awful, but mercifully dragon-free. Ray Liotta, though? Genius.

We’ll take the merchandise idea under serious advisement. Here at Filmjitsu the people get what the people want. Even if what the people want is us slowly dying inside while watching Sex and the City 2.

I’ve got two gross out scenes that bother me to this day.

1. In Stir of Echoes the scene where the girl’s fingernails are removed while she is clawing at the floor.

2. In Schindler’s List the scene where the young boy is looking for a hiding place and goes to the latrine and finds that it is already occupied.

As a Canadian I can’t stand Celine Dion, one of the elements of Celine’s US popularity that I actually love is that her fans think that she is classy or exotic while those people with an ear for it, listen to her accent and can hear the “trailer on a dirt road with 15 brothers” in it.

Brian Adams gets a pass from me. Due to the Canadian Radio and Telecommunications Act there must be a certain percentage of Canadian content per day. In the 80′s and 90′s Canadian music was a wasteland and Brian Adams’s crap music taking up the slack was a sweet mercy when the alternatives were considered.

Listen to the next episode of Hotcakes, for your name check.

Thanks to Paulo for giving me the heads up for your show.

Thanks for a most excellent podcast, guys. Looking forward to the next one!

I live in Providence, RI but grew up in New York City which gave me my wealth of correct sensibilities which include despising Sarah Jessica Parker.

I began listening to your show because I am a huge fan of the Bob and Dan Cast and one day I received a tweet from one of you asking me to try your podcast. I thought that any podcast that would go to the extreme of riffling through another podcast’s fan base was worth paying attention to. So here I am.

Cheers,
Paulo

I am also a huge fan of the Bob and Dan Cast. I figure we probably appeal to the same kind of audience.

Wait….strike that. Reverse it.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose is an interesting one. I thought of it for legal but I still can’t decide if I like it or not.

I’m gonna machine gun my answers from now on. You’ve just made Matinee Deathmatch a nightmare for Carmichael.

Also, I almost said The Exorcism of Emily Rose as a legal movie. Interesting is definitely the word. A cool blending of genres.

Finally someone calls Mike out on his dirty tactics. The stalling tactic may not be against the rules, but everyone knows you don’t walk across the pitchers mound

JC

Nice choices on Bottom 5 Villains. Here are a couple more:

1.) Audrey II – “Little Shop of Horrors.” Really fun movie, but it would have been worth mentioning the (intended) absurdity of a man eating plant while in a discussion about “The Happening.”

2.) Darth Maul – “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.” Certainly not a bad villain at all… until he FUCKING LOSES in a fantastic lightsabre dual NEVER TO RETURN IN ANY OTHER MOVIE. This is more of a tragic waste of a great villain than truly a dumb villain.

3.) Sir August de Wynter – The Avengers. Sean Connery wore a teddy bear suit. Awful movie. Awful James Bond reject of a villain played by James Bond. Fucking travesty.

I loved the question about Good/Bad Legal Movies, and John’s pick of “Body of Evidence” was solid. I have to admit that I went through a time when my favorite trips to the cinema were Pauly Shore movies, but even with that said, “Jury Duty” was the movie that killed the good times. “Encino Man?” Fun. “Son in Law?” Good times. “In the Army Now?” Chuckles. But “Jury Duty?” Nah.Y’all called this one right.

As for me, this is what came to mind:

Good –

To Kill a Mockingbird
Adam’s Rib

Interesting –

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Bad –

Legal Eagles (Yikes!)

Re: The Village. Not a terrible movie, but not great either. I think the good of it outweighs the bad, but the “twist” was incredibly predictable for me, and that sort of ruined the big reveal. Still, I don’t think it’s one of Shymalan’s worst (which “The Happening” most certainly is).

Mick Jackson also directed the WONDERFUL “L.A. Story!” I had no idea he did “The Bodyguard!” Wow… Filmjitsu *IS* informative!!

Um… but “Better Off Dead?” NOT a John Hughes movie. That’s a Savage Steve Holland flick. As was “One Crazy Summer.”

Also: Mike does this stalling tactic thing during “Matinee Deathmatch” so he can think of something to counter. It feels a little like performance enhancement drugs and sullies the man’s impressive record in the eyes of this sport’s fan.

That is all.

- Your Patron Saint.

But so is John.

No no no… not really, but Mike asked me to write and say he was.

But Annette Bening was TERRIBLE in “American Beauty.” It’s one of the most overwrought, over dramatic and over-lauded performances of the past 20 years. If there’s a reason to dislike that movie (which I have no interest in ever watching again despite the fact it was good and had copious female nudity), it’s this performance, a role Bening imbued with Broadway-style “subtly” and staccato delivery that would have seemed over the top in a Rob Marshall musical. Awful. And one of my least favorite actress performances in a major motion picture.

Also, Tara Reid used to be able to act! Watch her in 1998′s “Girl.” She was excellent. I’m still hoping she’ll pull off a monstrous comeback and shed that whole “Wild On…” E! persona that embarrasses her and anyone, ANYONE, that sees her.

5 Women I wouldn’t want to be married to: (Y’all had some fantastic picks, btw.)

5.) Lindsay Brigman – The Abyss: Yes, she manages to regain her humanity by the end of the picture, but Mary Elizabeth Mastriantonio is referred to as “Queen Bitch of the Universe” and she’s truly that for the first half of the movie. Also, this remains my favorite movie.

4.) Liane Wigand – The Insider: Materialistic and can’t stand by her man as he undergoes an impossible amount of stress, thus making his situation worse by a factor of 10. What’s not to love? Diane Verona is OK on the eyes, but this is a total bitch of a role. Also, one of my all-time favorite movies.

3.) Abbie Reynolds – The Next Best Thing: Madonna is one of my favorite celebs/performers, and I think it took a lot of courage for her to play a character so UNBELIEVABLY, UNBEARABLY selfish. Yeah, the “marriage” in this flick is sort of common-law at best, but she pulls some unbelievable shit in this flick that makes me, a total Madonnaholic, despise the woman.

2.) Janine – He’s Just Not That Into You: Jennifer Connelly’s character. Trapped in a loveless marriage to – of all people – The Hangover ‘s Bradley Cooper, this OCD freakshow weeps about her husband not wanting to bang her despite the fact that all she does is bitch and obsess about her home renovation project. I know THEIR marriage was supposed to be exemplary of one that shouldn’t have ever happened, but WOW was this terd of a woman self-righteous and awful.

1.) Lady MacBeth – The Tragedy of MacBeth: This is Polanski’s version – a bloody and dirty re-telling of the story. I’m certain I don’t need to address why this would be THE WORST WIFE ANY MAN COULD END UP WITH. Amirite?

Great show guys, they keep getting better and better.

Mike definitely nailed it with Batman & Robin. Bat nipples should be the number one for every bottom 5 lists, even ones that don’t fit like bottom 5 movies about old people. Number 1, bat nipples.

HUGE improvements from John in his delivery! Just great. You both sound very, very authoritative and insightful!

But… “Demolition Man?!??!??!” It’s so freaking awesome! Man! Wrong call on that, Cahms. Sorry b-yatch. Great, hilarious movie!

I totally thought of “Leprachan” as well… Indeed! This is like an “instantly thought of it” one.

We all know you loved, “Hocus Pocus”, Mike, but Sarah Jessica Paker was great in Ed Wood, dude. She wasn’t great in “L.A. Story,” but that’s a fantastic movie.

Kudos on the “Critters” franchise panning, but Mike nailed it: “Batman & Robin” is unbelievably horrible.

Seriously… Great show, guys!

“Once Bitten?????” One of the worst vampire movies?

First of all, Lauren Hutton was looking to suck the blood from Carrey’s inner thigh – not his dork. And she bites buttons, which was funny because it set up a great line from Carrey’s gal-pal later in the movie. And as far as cougars go, I’d have gladly let her take a chunk of my leg back at the time the movie was released. Even now, watching the movie I think she’s sexy as Hell (and funny too).

It’s one of my favorite 80′s comedies – I watch it almost annually. It’s arguably one of the best, most fun performances by Jim Carrey. The dance sequence does the over-the-top 80′s school event scene crazier than just about any other one. LOVE IT.

Yes, it’s trash – but this is exactly what makes bad movies great. It’s broad, stupid and very, very fun comedy! Sense of humor check, fellas. Watch it again!

And then you guys manage to not mention HOW TOTALLY AWFUL “Interview With a Vampire” was while mentioned the even worse “Queen of the Damned.” DREADFUL Tom Cruise horror show. Just terrible, despite the nice performance by the then-wee Kirsten Dunst who was mucho disturbing.

Also: you talk about how so many vampire movies are obviously terrible by title, and you seemed to try to stay with mainstream flicks, but then you pull out “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter,” a mondo-obscure low-budget flick that’s a testament to cool independent audacity (and admittedly, the limitations of a thin premise and no money). If you’re going to go no-budget and obscure, there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many worse movies to go apeshit angry over. Hell there are even worse viewing experiences in MAINSTREAM stuff (which I’ll detail, but first…)

While Kristen Stewart is terrible (and twinkle vampires are impossibly stupid) – the concepts introduced in “Twilight’s” story really aren’t terrible. Stephanie Meyer did a neat job of toying with popular conventions (even if she’s a freaky Mormon type and shouldn’t be writing about vampires), but she also stayed true to the ‘perfect killer’ idea… and also subverted the idea of the the male vampire being the seducer when it was more the victim seducing the vampire. Not the worst Vampire movie BY FAR – even with it’s TERRIBLE “artistic” flourishes that sometimes made sequences feel like an 80′s Whitesnake video.

Top 5 Worst (Mainstream) Vampire Movies:

5.) Interview With a Vampire – Worse than “Queen of the Damned” because there was a chance it wouldn’t suck. “Queen of the Damned” came out of the gate as a total suck-fest and everyone knew it was going to be a bag of shit.
4.) Dracula – Dead and Loving It (You want to see a bad vampire comedy? HERE IT IS.)
3.) Love at First Bite – Tannest man in history plays Dracula? Um. FUCK NO. AWFUL. INTOLERABLE.
2.) Vampirella – Yes, the comic book adaptation of that great looking lady vamp. Yes, Taliso Soto should have been a great choice. OMG, did Jim Wynorski (Yes, the softcore impresario) rape this franchise possibility with bad costuming, terrible special effects and the casting of none other than Roger Daltry – THE ROGER DALTRY – as the villain.
1.) My Best Friend is a Vampire – OK. This is essentially “Once Bitten” without the sexiness. Or the funny. And Robert Sean Leonard from “House” doing his best to imitate Jim Carrey. Not good. Not at all.

Oh… and while “Near Dark” *is* boring – it’s not the worst vampire movie ever. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

As for sports figures in terrible movies…

That “American Anthem” movie with Olympic “hunk” Mitch Gaylord (Worst. Name. Ever.) I swear I saw this in some horrible, chick-inspired double feature with “The Cutting Edge.” Gymnastics and Ice Skating in one sitting? It was like being shot, and then having maggots poured into your gaping bullet wound. The maggots, however, were definitely “American Anthem” because, thank Christ, at least “The Cutting Edge” had Terry O’Quinn in it and as we all know, he’s worth taking a bullet for.

Anyway, Amazon has it on their “Video On Demand” section if you’re feeling particularly evil.

Mike, you slay me.

Use ‘em up!

I had bones to pick with both of you, but mostly it was subjective stuff like “Hey! I liked ‘We Are Marshall,’ ‘Invincible’ and ‘He’s Just Not That Into You”!’ And since I’m not a font of what anyone would label “good taste,” I’ll accept the dissing of said pictures despite the acclaim lavished by John on “Bruce Almighty.” While I didn’t dislike it nearly as much as Mike, it’s not a particularly memorable comedy.

Here’s me being dick-ish: I was rankled by was the casual discussion of “Evil Dead” as slapstick-y comedy/horror along the lines of “Drag Me to Hell.” It’s foolish to care, but it’d be much more accurate to label “Evil Dead 2″ as the funny one. “Drag Me to Hell” is truly just another go round of the same type of visual anarchy and actor/actress punishment of the sequel, but the first “Evil Dead,” while definitely silly in spots, did try to be a more straight-up horror flick that succeeds thanks to inventiveness.

As for a bottom five Sitcom Star Movies… I humbly submit the following which, unlike some of the movies you listed – “White Men Can’t Jump” and “The Grudge” come to mind – are, for me, unwatchable.

1.) Celebrity – Woody Allen’s star-studded misfire is a completely unlikable and unfunny movie. Just terrible. Has Hank Azaria (The Simpsons), Debra Messing (Will & Grace), and Joe Mantegna (Soap)among countless big screen stars. AWFUL.

2.) Outrageous Fortune – Shelly Long (Cheers) and Bette Midler are painfully grating in this goofy misadventure from 1987 Touchstone Pictures. Features Pete Coyote as their mutual lover who is also a CIA double-agent. Ridiculous, dated and obnoxious. Want to see a “buddy chick flick?” Watch “Thelma and Louise.”

3.) Down Periscope – Ugh, the old “lovable gang of military misfits do right” gag a la “Stripes” with 1/4 the wit. More like Kelsey Grammer does McHale’s Navy. Dumb, not funny and features the usual sign of any terrible movie: Rob Schneider’s name in the credits.

4.) The Shrink Is In – Courtney Cox and David Arquette vanity project with no vanity, charm or laughs. Vapid and hollow, you’ll crave the 90 minutes back that you waste on this like a man craves water after spending a week in the desert… with David Arquette.

5.) Baby Geniuses – Oh Christopher Lloyd (Taxi). Why? Why does your career veer so wildly off course in teh late 90′s. WHY WHY WHY? This mess from Porky’s director Bob Clark has to be seen to be believed. And Kathleen Turner?!? My childhood crush tears my heart out for her compliance in this “so bad it’s terrible” movie.

Overall, I want to thank you for getting me to think about movies in a fun way for a couple hours. I look forward to the next ep and can see you guys only getting better and more fun as you do more!